Anonymous Story: I Didn’t Want Either Of The Two

It was our company party. I got drunk, but I did not do that on purpose, I tried to sober up but everyone was having fun so I ended up drinking more. I can still remember some things that happened. I asked my coworker (Let’s call him CM) for assistance. He was my friend and I trusted him because he is also a Christian pastor in our church. He is way older than me, too. He has a family of his own. My best friend (who was not there at the party) reminded me to go with kuya CM if I need a ride home. I can still remember when we walked to go to the parking lot, and I puked outside, and we went to my place.

That’s when I started to fall sleep because I knew I was safe and I was already in my bed. I can’t remember everything that happened. I just woke up a little and he was starting to kiss me, and then I fell asleep again, then I woke up again and he was removing my clothes. And I was just slipping away, because I was so tired and drunk and sleepy at the same time. I woke up again and he was raping me. I don’t know why I did not react, I just slept again. Then after that, he put back my clothes and he went out.

That was when I started crying and realized what just happened. Then he came back, he brought water and I kept on crying. My best friend called me at that time, but I couldn’t tell him what happened because CM was still there. Then when I calmed down a bit, CM went out and went back to the party. I was so scared that it really happened. That I was raped, by someone I knew, by a Christian pastor. At first, I was confused and wondered if I was really raped or, did I agree to have sex with him? But I knew I didn’t want either of the two.

I tried to find out what happened, I asked CM a couple of days after the incident. I acted like I didn’t remember anything just to know if he was going to lie. And he did. But when I insisted, he told me that he thought I knew what happened and I liked what happened because I kissed him back. But I really don’t remember kissing him back. Until now, I haven’t told anyone about it and I’m just thinking that it was a bad dream. It happened last month, April 27.