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I was around 5 or 6-ish when I was sexually molested by my cousin during our December break, we used to travel quite a lot back then. At times, we’d stop over at my cousin’s family house before making the next trip and move to my grand parent’s. We stopped at my cousin’s one of those Decembers and everything seemed to be going well. My cousin, who was in secondary school at the time, around 14 or 15… He played with my genitals with his fingers. I didn’t know if it was wrong or right, nothing prepared me for that.
After that experience, I started avoiding boys who were not my brothers or daddy. I developed a very strong sense of fear for boys and men. My soul felt something wrong had happened but I couldn’t name it. This was not all, I started masturbating. I hated myself for it. Childhood was beautiful but, this action affected my outlook on life.
It affected my self esteem, as well. All this while, I couldn’t connect this to the childhood experience until I watched a talk show titled “Stolen Innocence” at 16. I started piecing all the actions that followed together. It suddenly started to make sense. I fall in and out of masturbation because honestly, I’m trying to stop. I don’t enjoy it.
And men… I think I’m attracted to a few of them. However, each time I get close to having a boyfriend, I remember the experience and I am irritated.
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