Anonymous Story: I was 10

I, myself, am a victim of rape – by my uncle and by a couple of guys who I had a drinking session with. I’m talking to you cause I haven’t talked to anyone yet. It kills me and I couldn’t trust other people, especially other men, anymore. So how did an athletic person such as myself get abused and forced against my will? I may never know. Perhaps it’s because I am weak or that I was really young. So here’s what happened: I was 10 when my uncle first raped me. My mom’s cousin moved into our house to look for a job. He got one, and my mom helped him get a job. He was in his early 20’s.

I woke up one night and someone’s whispering into my ear. What he said was a blur. All I knew was that it made me uncomfortable. Then the next night, I woke up in the middle of my sleep and noticed my hand was touching his body. I literally froze cause I’m not sure if I was doing it then I slightly opened my eyes, and I saw how he guided my hand to touch his body – from his chest down to his male part. He wanted me to masturbate him. I never told anyone and I thought to myself, “did I like it?” and “was it normal”? I was 10. Then from simply touching him every night, it leads to another. He asked me to give him a head – at first, I was hesitant but I gave in. Did I want it? I was 10.

Then night after night he kept asking me to do things I know a child shouldn’t do. Did I refuse? I was 10. Then from touching him to giving him head, one night he decided he wants more. He wants to penetrate me. I tried to fight. I know I did. Because it was painful because it was not right. But he was strong, and I was 10. Every school night and even on weekends when my parents and other siblings are in the other room, I was there doing things a 10-year-old shouldn’t do. Did it become mutual? Again, I was 10. I had to move out of our house for college and told myself, finally, I’m free!

Then in college, the second incident happened: I met up with a guy. Not sure how we got in touch anymore but we’ve decided to drink. He is cute, he is friendly, and he is gentle. I was at the right age so I believed we liked each other or it could probably be a start of a relationship. I was having fun. I was a normal teenager. Then he said that his friend is coming over to pick up some stuff. I trusted him and I knew I was sober enough. His friend arrived and he too was cute. They’re both tall, handsome, and muscled guys. He then asked if his friend can join. They both look so innocent and polite. I said yes.

A few hours later, I know there was something wrong. I drink hard so I’m sure a few bottles of beer wouldn’t affect my sanity. But I was dizzy and everything became a blur. The next thing I realized, when I opened my eyes, there was someone on top of me. It was his friend. I tried to fight but I couldn’t. I was too weak and they were too strong. They alternately abused me then did it together then alternately. Until they’re done. I woke up naked and parts of my body were painful. I put my clothes on and immediately left while they were asleep. I was scared. I was hurt. Did I want it? I’m sure I did not.

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