Anonymous Story: I Never Knew It Was Coming

I am employed as a system analyst program assistant at the College of Southern Nevada. I have been working there for 20 years. My undergraduate degree is from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas in Workforce education. My graduate degree is in Creative Writing at the University of Berkley, a subsidiary of UC Berkley in Chicago. I am single with no children.

I would like to come forward with my story of harassment and abuse to exonerate feelings of distress endured over 20 years. I elevate the pain of humiliation of a sexual encounter I shared with a coworker, a white man I barely knew.

The truth is I had sex with this man because I fell in love with him. The memory of the intimacy we shared those 3 months was passionate and resulted in me getting pregnant with his child. I am African American, and he is Caucasian. My child was taken from me out of neglect hatred and envy. This experience affected my life and family with loss. 

We had a friendly relationship at work in the bookstore. At first thought to be platonic. At times we would socialize engaging in personal conversation about family and friends. We would laugh together and hug each other from time to time. We were both middle age mature adults at the time. This was the first time we met when I worked with him. I became fond of him and thought I would have sex with him because I was falling in love with him.

One night after work we were alone together. I was talking to him in his office. I was standing against a table when he pushed me against my body unexpectedly forced my legs apart in a locked position and pressured his body inside of me penetrating all the way through. No one could hear my plea, nor see me weeping or hear me cry. I was too afraid to yell for help. He forced himself inside of me. I felt like a satchel knife ripped my insides open to intrusion. I never knew it was coming. I felt hopeless. I could not resist. It was too intense, and I could not escape the lust I had for him. I was in love with a white man. Our sexual interlude carried on for 3 months. It stopped after I got pregnant. I was hurt he said I meant nothing to him compared to his wife. I felt I loved this man and going through this had been frowned upon as a form of negligent assault driven to destroy me.

I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I was hurt by the rumors spread that I was a slut. I could hear them whisper in the halls. People began to question my past sexual behavior to use as an excuse to take my child away from me. Security knew we were having an affair and did nothing. Our sexual interlude was caught on the surveillance cameras in the book store. I wanted to pretend nothing happened. I wanted to move on. It was a secret I would dare not say. It was how I lost my virginity. I cannot have children because of what happened. It is my fault I consented it and failed to report or discuss in detail my experience. I was the victim. I felt persecuted in how the matter was handled. 

I am coming forward with the truth. I am telling you my version of what happened. Not the fabricated truth of by standers who thwart words of hate at me to destroy my image and reputation. My past is recanting and healing from the abuse. I hope my voice comes forward so other women can speak out against sexual assault. I feel it is my moral obligation and responsibility to come forward.

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