Anonymous Story: I Didn’t Understand

When I was little, I was raped by my father. Back then, I didn’t understand what he was doing to me because I was really young and he took advantage of it. He was on drugs too. We slept in the same room as my mother. At night, when my mother was asleep, he would lie next to me and do inappropriate things to me. I can’t exactly remember what he actually did to me. I remember that I woke up in the middle of the night once and my underwear and shorts were gone, only to find them on the floor. Sometimes, when I was in the bathroom, I’d complain to my mom that it was painful in my lower area. She thought it was irritation because of the heat. But she and I saw that my private part was red and swollen.

I only found out it was rape when I was older. For years, I was oblivious. I lived with that man who I called my father for 14 years unaware that he was my rapist. I only realized what he did to me when I was 16 and put all the pieces together. Talking to a psychologist was the trigger. I had depression and anxiety partially because of him and how I was raised in an abusive home. I never felt safe in my own house because of him and I’m glad I’m finally out of his clutches. It was hard to believe and accept it because how can a father do that to his own child? I only told my mom and my siblings about it recently and my mom was sad because she couldn’t do anything. Sure, I blamed her at some point and even hated her for it but that wouldn’t change anything. I’m 18 now and still struggling to live through every single day but somehow, I know I’ll survive.

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