Anonymous Story: Instead I freeze.

I’ve experienced sexual assault several times since 2010 I guess. I don’t actually remember when it started. I’ve got three of my cousins who tried to touch me. One would always say he wanted to massage me. One day he went inside my room while I was studying and like usual, he massaged me. Then he unhooked my bra while my shirt was on. He said he was just curious. Then he went on inserting his hands inside my shirt and he touched my boobs. He then proceeded to remove my shirt. I froze. Didn’t know how to react.

Cousin 2 and 3 were crazier. They used the same tactics. When they were able to stay beside me when we had overnights, and everyone was asleep, I would be touched all over my body. They’d even insert their fingers into my vagina. They didn’t care if I was aware or not. They just did it. Sometimes, when they know I’m not asleep, they’d even get my hands and try to make me touch their dicks. I just don’t want to. Now I’ve been avoiding them. I’m trying to stand up for myself but it’s just so hard knowing that I can’t trust even my family. I can’t tell my parents or even my siblings because I’m too scared of what they might tell me. They might not even believe me.

The latest was 2 years ago when I had a schoolmate who became my friend. I trusted him because I thought he was trustworthy. Until we watched our nth movie. Take note that I was wearing a polo shirt and jeans. Nothing revealing. He just thought that I wanted to play. He kissed me on my lips, and neck, touched my boobs, lifted my shirt and removed my bra, and sucked my tits. I tried to stop him and still, he thought I wanted it. I usually freeze when this happens to me. I keep on telling myself that I can fight them, but instead I freeze. I’ve been traumatized especially by my friend because when I was fighting him, he was telling me that I liked it. Because I would’ve stopped him earlier. I wouldn’t freeze if I didn’t like it, he said. Sometimes, I get flashbacks and I just want to cry. I wish I couldn’t remember any of those.

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