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Anonymous Story: I Never Allowed Myself To Feel Anything.

I saw this tweet and it made me rethink so many things in my life and the decisions I made because I was broken because one person made a choice that negatively impacted my life more than his. He’s got a child or two now, a job, living happily ever after wherever he is. I’ve never told anybody because I’ve always been that strong friend that everyone goes to and nobody had any clue about this because I never allowed myself to feel anything, I just kept moving because I believed that if I kept moving, I wouldn’t be caught by the demons chasing me, demons he left me with. It was the day after my 18th birthday, and he was friends with the boyfriend of one of my very close friends.

I didn’t know him at all. My friend and I were celebrating my birthday and the guys made sure we got drunk that day and I don’t remember much of what happened, all I know is that I got home and I wasn’t a virgin anymore. After that, I’ve gone around looking for what he took from me. I find myself sleeping with people that don’t deserve me and that I question myself about because there’s something I’ve always felt was missing. It’s been 7yrs, but I still can’t bring myself to tell anybody, even my closest friends, because I feel like I’m less of a person, less deserving of being treated with basic respect. Even when the conversation of losing virginity comes up, I just talk and pretend as if I had a choice.

I never tell them how miserable and broken I am and getting out of this cycle is so difficult because I know he doesn’t acknowledge his actions as rape. I had the opportunity to speak to him a few years after the incident, and he acknowledged that I was drunk but he feels that I gave him my virginity as a gift, because he found out that I was a virgin. I still wonder who I could have turned out to be if I had the opportunity to discover sex on my own terms and not be forced into it. I would probably be less angry and more open. I have the worst social anxiety, I’m afraid of being around too many people now, I’m afraid of being touched. I’m such a guarded person and I have lost important people because they say I’m secretive and I have too many walls up. It’s exhausting.

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