Anonymous Story: I Don’t Know How To Feel About It.

I was bullied when I was seven. Like literally a few weeks into school a teacher’s kid asked me to take off all my clothes and stand in front of toilet where people often walk by. Happened for a few days until a teacher noticed. I got scolded but nothing happened to the kid because she was the teacher’s kid, I don’t remember much of it. Fast forward to the next couple of years, a friend of mine whom I was close to asked me to accompany her to the toilet. Why wouldn’t I go? She’s my friend. She then leaned in on me and touched my body. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. And this thing happen repeatedly. I didn’t know it was wrong, but it felt odd. At some point, I enjoyed it.

Now, this was back in 2008 the term lesbian was not very familiar to me. Her mother had just died, I pitied her so I always tried to help her. She would do this to me until one day she left for another school. From time to time, I often think about her, what she’s doing or what was on her mind when she did that to me. The next year, my cousin sexually molested me. Now, I wish this is just a made up story because these things just keep happening to me. My parents went somewhere and had asked my uncle to take care of me. I love my uncle, I swear he is an amazing, kind hearted man. My cousin turned me into a sex maniac that I sometimes craved for it. And I discovered porn.

I started watching it at a young age, it messed up my brain and I still watch it from time to time. He made me do things to him and would sulk if I didn’t and I would feel guilty. It happened for quite some time. Now, when we stumble into each other we’d just ignore one another. We don’t talk or make eye contact. I don’t remember much from it, just bits and pieces. I thought I had gotten over it but one day my lecturer was asking if there cannot be a concrete no to everything. There’s always a reason. She then asked the class why do rapist rape? I couldn’t stand the idea of these bastards have reasons to rape. I broke down and cried and walked out of my class and sat under the stairs and cried my heart out. I never got over it, I just choose to forgive but the heart does not forget. I had a dream where he came and attacked me with a knife and I woke up crying. I am a victim of sexual assault and I don’t know how to feel about it.