I was raped twice. The first one was done by my biological father. My mother was relocated to a whole different place due to work and she brought my siblings with her. I was left alone with my father and my grandparents. We lived in one house, but my grandparents were deaf and old so they didn’t really come out of their rooms much. I was around 6 or 7 when this happened, and up until then I still would drink from a baby bottle every now and then, since I was kind of a nervous child and drinking from a baby bottle calmed me down. My father and I would watch movies in his room until I would fall asleep, until one day he did something different. I was so young, and it was hard for me to grasp that what happened was wrong until a few years later.
My father and I would watch movies in his room until I would fall asleep, until one day he did something different. I was so young, and it was hard for me to grasp that what happened was wrong until a few years later. When my father did those things to me, it was wrong, but I didn’t know, right? And up until now that I’m almost 20, I still think that giving into guys wanting sex is the easiest way to get them to love you because of what happened when I was young. My father made me think that it was the best way to let someone know they love you.
The second time I was raped, I don’t really like talking about it, because someone I’ve told about it told me that it wasn’t rape, it was someone taking advantage of me, which I don’t see the difference. They also asked me, “are you sure you didn’t say yes? because what if you said yes but you just regret it that’s why you’re saying those things now.” It was during my 18th birthday. I had rented out a club for a whole night and I had invited all my friends to drink out, even older ones that were in the same program as me in college. It was the first and only time so far that I have blacked out while drinking. There was a guy, let’s call him Tony, last I heard he was trying to make a move on my college best friend. But during my party, he had been touchy all night but I had refused his advances, since I had a boyfriend back then.
It was only around midnight but I was already wasted, so I asked my brother to drive me to the hotel I was staying at. My friends who were staying in the room next to mine came with us, also already drunk as hell. Tony came with my brother, telling him that he’ll be helping us to our rooms since he was tired too. My brother and Tony had just met that night but they were already close so my brother had no problem with what Tony suggested. Last I remembered was getting in the elevator in the hotel. Then I blacked out/fainted.
Here comes the part where people say it probably wasn’t rape, I don’t know, I “”woke up”” twice before falling asleep for a really long time. The first time I woke, the second time, he had placed me on top of him but I couldn’t balance myself since I was really drunk so he went on top of me. That was the last thing I remember before the next time I woke up, and It was already morning. Tony was removing my bra, I only lasted for around 10 seconds before blacking out again. I know I wasn’t dreaming. When I woke up the next morning my bra was on the floor, which means it was removed from my body. And my dress was riding up my body too…. I’ve never felt the same after that. I feel like guys think that it’s easy to get me in bed, that all I’m good for is sex. It also makes me feel so dirty and ashamed of myself.
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